MSN.com published a piece entitled Guys: 10 First-Date Fumbles by Lori Gottlieb. I admire the article’s restraint (only 10?), tone (benevolence) and goal (to cure stupidity.) My only complaint was that it was not accompanied by a sidebar that helps the ladies avoid first-date landmines.
No need to assign a writer, MSN.com. I got this one.
I present to you ten ways that a woman can blow a date with a guy.
10. Check your phone. You know everything you need to know about a person one hour into the first date. Whether you acknowledge this information determines your happiness in the relationship. I call this the One-Hour Rule. If you check texts or voicemails in our presence, we will wonder what other horrors lay ahead.
9. Say you choose not to drink. If you are a recovering alcoholic, or the child of an alcoholic or do not drink for medical reasons, we will understand. Otherwise, telling us that you choose not to drink leads us to conclude 1.) You used to be into some crazy shit and aren’t anymore 2.) You are no fun. This is not a deal-breaker, but we will wonder about it.
8. Blow the silence test. At some point conversation will stop. If you are cool with it, if you can hold eye contact and enjoy the moment, and smile, we will find you incredibly sexy. It could even become The Moment, that magical instance when a man decides, “This is the only woman who will yell at me for the rest of my life.”
7. Refuse to bust balls. Play to win. Don’t play not to lose. If I order in Spanish at a French restaurant, call me out. If I am from Cleveland and you are from Pittsburgh, note our football rivalry and mock me openly. If you are not having fun on the first date, when does the fun start? (My apologies for sounding like Dave Coulier in the second half of the last sentence.)
6. Brag about being “brutally honest.” First of all, brutal honesty is not a virtue. It simply means you are too lazy to edit your thoughts in my company. Secondly, pure brutal honesty does not exist except in Jim Carrey movies. A person who is brutally honest all of the time would have no friends or job. The irony? Anyone who claims to be a brutally honest person is telling a lie. A “brutally honest” person is selectively honest like the rest of us – brutally honest with some but not with others.
5. Go on a hunger strike. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am overweight and am looking for an enabler, but I like a girl with an appetite. It shows she enjoys life. It also shows she is not harboring an eating disorder that will explode our relationship in six months.
(The woman of my dreams? Photo by Randy Son of Robert/Flickr.)
4. Ask too many questions. When I was 19, I thought that being asked many questions was flattering. She wants to know more about me, I would sigh in italics. Now? Different story. I fully admit this opinion has been informed by my improv training, but I now think being asked too many questions means you have nothing interesting to say.
3. Bring the drama. Do not go negative. Leave the drama at home. You have the rest of our relationship to slowly erode the enjoyment of your company.
2. Wonder aloud when the waiter will bring the bill. This happened to me. Next time just punch me in the balls. It would be less painful.
1. Deny the kiss. If you had a bad time, by all means wrap things up and be on your way. If you hit it off, do not leave us hanging because you do not kiss on the first date. If you have a rule in your crazy brain about denying yourself joy, I will (See: One-Hour Rule) wonder what other horrors lay ahead.
All of these foibles, of course, can be overcome by the right woman. Except No. 2. Never do that to someone. I would almost rather you set my car on fire.
Recently had my first kiss denial in quite a while. It was actually the night I sent you an email about warm the target, referencing your other blog post. Warming the target had failed me.
The denial was after my group of friends and I went to see Kevin Nealon at the Comedy Club, then had a few drinks. The girl was short on money and had bought me sushi dinner 2 nights earlier, so I bought the ticket to the show. We isolated after the drinks and I went for it, not paying attention to details that it was apparently not on.
We had fun; a kiss was in order. Instead all I got was a lame excuse and some REALLY long apologetic text message (psycho alert!)
You can consider it the last gentlemanly thing I’ll do like that for a while. If a girl wants to tag along with me and my group, she pays her way. Rounds of drinks here and there will happen but NOTHING comes totally free.
And FWIW, after that happened, I headed back to the bar with the boys, and used this pickup line with a group of girls:
“Hey guys – Take a look at this text message from this girl. She just denied me on a kiss after a date… and not to sound like a cock but that shit just doesn’t happen to me. Should I even give her another chance?”
They look at the long, awkward text, start discussing, blah blah blah, and decide that I should give her one more chance. Set opened.
I didn’t make it home that night. She didn’t get another chance.
Thanks Joe, Hopefully this will help me. Now I just have to get a date.
Plus, I needed some guidelines before I go out and destroy some poor, unsuspecting mans ego. ;)
11. Fast and wet.
If a woman asked aloud where the check was when she was on a date with old school Ice Cube, he would have said to go “Check yoself!”
Good point, Dan. WWICD?
Berto – That was some nice Dennis Rodman-esque rebounding, and I mean that in every possible way.
Misty – Use. No. 2. Works like a charm.
I thoroughly enjoyed this. A bit sexist though…I mean you guys also have a habit of blowing things on the first date. You’re not so perfect.
The “checking your phone” thing, is just as much a male trait as a female one.
I’m glad you enjoyed Joe’s article. It is hilarious. It’s not sexist, though. It’s just written from a male point of view. They’re not the same thing.
Pastfirst: Actually, we ARE perfect ;)
I dated a girl who did the phone thing all the time. She would text people sitting across the table from her, it drove me crazy. We were pretty much doomed from the start.