The Super Bowl is this week, so I wrote a funny and informative piece for Made Man about how football became the national pastime. The secret? Providing a legal venue where men can knock each others’ heads clean off their shoulders.
http://www.mademan.com/pro-football-our-national-pastime
(Above: Halfback Avon Barksdale, known for evading defenders and police.)
My love of The Wire knows no rational bounds. This started as an e-mail with my buddy Sean and quickly spiraled out of control. Note: the football team format was inspired (stolen) from my brother Dan’s Facebook note All-Time Animal Football Team.
OFFENSE
Quarterback Russell “Stringer” Bell: The consummate play-caller
Halfback Avon Barksdale: Runs wild, yet shows discipline within the Bell offense
Fullback Dennis “Cutty” Wise: Boxers make good fullbacks
Wide receiver Leander Sydnor: Emerging leader in the locker room
Wide receiver Slim Charles: A Plaxico-like player, in every single way
Tight end Nick Sabotka: Total blue-collar guy
Tackle Howard “Bunny” Colvin:
Off the line quickly, always one step ahead
Guard Ervin Burrell: Obsessed with job security
Center Jay Landsman: Big body on the line, big porn collection in the locker room
Guard Roland “Wee-Bey” Brice: Most likely to go “Last Boy Scout” during a game
“Proposition Joe” Stewart: Ability to both block and reason with defenders
(Above: Middle linebacker Jimmy McNulty, known for sticking his nose where it does not belong.)
Defensive end Sergei “Serge” Malotov: Literally rips the quarterback’s head off
Defensive tackle William “Bunk” Moreland: Throwback to Namath’s hungover playing style
Defensive end Frank Sabotka: Wily veteran, lots of heart
Outside linebacker Thomas “Herc” Hauc: Likes busting heads
Middle linebacker Jimmy McNulty: Defensive captain, heart and soul of team
Middle linebacker Kima Greggs: Toughest player on the team
Outside linebacker Chris Partlow: Leaves opposing running backs in the vacants
Cornerback Preston “Bodie” Broadus: Unlike KW2, he is an actual soldier
Cornerback Ellis Carver: Gets smarter every season
Safety Marlo Stanfield: Generates turnovers, just takes and takes and takes
Safety Omar Little: So popular, ”Farmer in the Dell” makes Jock Jams 2009
Punter Tommy Carcetti: Crime problem? Let the next punter handle it
Kicker Roland Pryzbylewski: Chosen solely for his mega-ethnic last name
Kick returner D’Angelo Barksdale: Gets caught too often to start on offense
Punt returner Michael Lee: The kid is going to be dangerous someday
Owner Clay Davis: Shee-it, who else was going to raise money for the stadium?
General manager Cedric Daniels: Eight Crazy Nights psp Great personnel guy
Head coach Lester Freamon: Tony Dungy-type, except he lives with an ex-stripper